His Words

"The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; 
He will rejoice over you with gladness, 
He will quiet you with His love, 
He will rejoice over you with singing."
                                                                                          -Zephaniah 3:17

8/12/2011

I have poured out all my love

Spilled it out all around
Without reserve
Receiving nothing in return
Until my heart is empty

My heart is empty
I have nothing left to give
Nothing left within
Except the pain
Of my heartache

I need You now
More than ever before
So I come
Broken heart in my hands
Begging You to fill me up

Fill me up with Your never ending love
So that I never run out
Of love to share
Because I can't give away
What isn't there

...

You said it'd be okay
Just give it another day
A few more weeks more to wait
Till the pain would go away

You said to move along
That I was plenty strong
My heart would sing a new song
And I would be okay

So I said okay
I turned my back and walked away
I tried to carry on
But the hurt is here to stay

It seems you need
To have me here
So I will keep on keeping on
Even without you near.

Break Me Down

I stand and stare at the window
Wishing to see what lies beyond the glass
But instead I am confronted by the reflection of my own terrified face

Break me down
If that is what it takes
For me to see your face
The face on the other side

If it is my pride
That stands between us
And only lets my eyes see me,
Then, I beg you, bring me to my knees
Make me understand the frailty of my plans.

If it is my heart
That blocks my view of you
With its own selfish desires,
Then tear my heart asunder, withstanding all my tears,
Let me see the folly of my silly human fears.

When at last I am stripped
Of all my foolish pride
And my heart is wrung dry
Of all my hopes and loves

I will stand here, empty-handed and brokenhearted,

Yet filled with peace and grace

At last face to face.

Running out of Love

       People sometimes speak of "falling out of love", but it's always been a concept that eluded my grasp.  However, there is another issue involving "out of love" that I do sometimes worry about.  On occasion, I feel that, if I'm not careful, one day I'll run out of love.  I'll just wake up and be so tired and so sad and so completely empty inside that I won't have any more love to keep on giving away, not to my friends or family or anybody at all.  
       You see, there are some people that I have a hard time loving because, to be completely honest, I just don't like them very much, but it's not this kind of love that I'm worried will dry me up.  The love that I really struggle with is loving someone who is hard to love.  It may seem like a subtle difference, the difference between having a hard time loving someone and loving someone who is hard to love, and perhaps it is, yet it's an important distinction nonetheless.  The former is annoying, certainly, but the latter is just difficult, so very difficult.
       All I can do is just keep on and keep on and keep on.  I try to stay strong and I know I need to let myself be sustained and filled by Christ's love, but sometimes I just want to hear that one person say, "I love you, too."  I want to hear those words so badly that it seems if I can't, if I don't, I'll just shrivel up and die inside.  
       Today, I had a conversation with one of my mentors that made me think that perhaps the shriveling up and dying part of my story is a lot farther into the future than it sometimes feels.  My mentor said something that touched me quite deeply and her sweet spirit gave her words a lasting impact.


"I'll always love you. Even if you mess up, I will still love you and adore you."


       And, just like that, I realized that the idea of running out of love is as absurd as the idea of falling out of love.  It can't happen, because real love isn't like that.  "Love suffers long and is kind...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 
       So, my dearest person in the whole world, I will always love you.......with a love that never runs out.......even if you mess up.  I will only ever love you more. 

Don't forget..........I love you.

"To navigate you must be brave and to be brave you must remember." -Mau Piailug

"to be brave you must remember" .....so remember this now and never, ever forget it......I love you.

Snow Globe

A snow globe is
Such a boring piece of glass
When it sits on the shelf
Collecting dust like the knick knacks
That surround it.

Yet when it is grabbed by little fingers
And shaken into a flurry
Suddenly, it is beautiful

As the sifting, falling, spinning flakes of white
Dust tiny rooftops
Like a thick layer of powdered sugar
Young eyes watch in awe

Entranced by the magic in their palms
Eager hands cannot help but shake it,
Flip it,
And turn it upside down
Just to see the lovely flurry one more time

I am a snow globe

I used to sit on the shelf
Silent, ugly and unused
But with my future certain
And my plans well laid

Now I am
Held in the hands of God
And I cannot see past today
My plans are fraying at the ends

For it seems that every time the pieces of my life
Finally settle and shift and fall into place
As soon as my plans are made
Swoosh!
In an instant they are gone

My world is dumped back upside down
Plans are shaken apart
And I am left in a swirling mess
Bruised and confused
Begging for you to help me understand
Why I can no longer stand

Can it be
That you see more than ruined dreams
In this falling tumble of hopes and plans?

Is it true
That you find me beautiful
When I am on my knees?

I try.

Is there really a point to keep going from day to day?
Always pushing and striving to do everything I do with excellence
To be a friend worthy of the name
A daughter who does not disappoint
To give completely
To love with the entirety of my being

I try so hard, but I often wonder why
I am just so weary
Tired of working so hard
For something I don't even want
And longing so desperately
For something I may never have

And then I remember your words
So awkwardly out of place
Yet somehow so perfectly fitting
Of all the things you said on that fateful day
It is this simple exchange that I most often remember
I told you that "I try."
And all you said was "I know."

Five letters are all it took
To justify every tear I have ever cried on your behalf
Two words are all I need
To remind me that sometimes trying is all we're asked to do

So I won't stop trying and working and loving
Even if failure meets me at the door
I won't give up on this struggle of life
I'll keep trying
As long as you know that I am.

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."  -Hebrews 10:36


"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  -James 1:12

A fractured friendship......

Quick and shallow, I breathe
My throat is tight with anxiety
Foreboading lies heavy on my heart
He talks quickly
Words jumbling with nervousness and excitement
Music plays
It's my favorite band
And he knows it
My arms are crossed tightly across my chest
I am tight-lipped
My words terse and tense
A picnic lunch?
My heart sinks as I see it
All my favorites
And he knew?
Fear falls to the pit of my stomach
Consuming hunger with its own gnawing pain
He begins with the chit-chat
But I stop him and cut straight to the point
Why am I here?
He begins his apology
Listing off the reasons why he's wrong
And then I hear it
What I felt sure was coming all along
That silly little word
The downfall of even the sweetest sorry
"But..."
And I'm done
Knees drawn up to my chest
I sit there as he talks
But my mind is already far away
In another park
With another boy
Listening to another apology
And all I want to do is cry
But he won't stop
So neither do I
My words fly
Sharp and fast, but true
I can see by his face
That my words sting
Just not enough for him to ever change
And, just like that, he snaps
He says we can't be friends
That we can't talk anymore
So we drive
In angry silence
The tears leaking slowly from my eyes
When the car stops
I get out quickly
And slam the door
On our past
Our future
Our friendship
I turn my back
And sob.

Boys Don't Cry. Or do they?

Dreaming

I dream of you with my eyes wide open

I can see your smile

And the scars on the backs of your hands

I can hear the laughter in your voice.

So dream of me tonight

Let my laughter ring in your ears

Let my love dispell your fears

Let my face haunt your dreams

Like the memories of you fill my days

Even when I sleep

Our stories chase me through the night

Till they melt away in the morning light

And I am left to gasp myself awake

Trying so desperately to catch one last breath of you.

My cheeks are wet

Because I cannot shake the thought

That perhaps I will never again feel your touch

Except in the mirage of my own mind

That I will only see your smile

In these memories I relive over and over

Each night as I sleep.

flashback

Tonight, as I unpacked my bags from Cali and repacked them for Oahu I ended up sorting through the contents of an assortement of bags and backbacks.  During this process of emptying and rearranging, I stumbled across a crumpled index card.  On it was a few lines I jotted down sometime in the wee hours of the morning back in July of 2010.  I found it interesting and somewhat encouraging to find that, over a year after I wrote the words and three months after finally hearing the crushing answer to the "question", my heart has not changed.

"Midnight comes and goes

 I cannot bring myself to sleep

 Uncertainty haunts my footsteps 

 What does the future hold?

 I do not know.

 I wait for the answer to a question

 A question I did not pose and have already answered

 I wish I knew what to expect, but only God does.

 And then there are those three words

 Three words I long to hear, but only from him

 So I wait and hope and pray for the right time to come soon.

 Please, Lord, give me your patience, grant me your grace, and let me be filled with your peace. 

 I am yours, now and forever.  Be with me.

 I love you, Jesus, but only 'cause you loved first."

Coming Home

Let me come with you.
I'll fight the shadows with you.
I'll chase the sunrise with you.
Just take me with you.

We'll run away together.
 I'll be yours forever.
 Let's run away back home.

Because where you are
Is where my heart is
And where my heart is
I find home.

So please, let me talk to you.
Just let me walk with you.
Please, let me come home.

Struggle

Fight the urge to fall
For I fear to fail
And yet it seems
My destiny is to meet defeat
So all that remains
Is to fall into my fear
And secure my failure
In a warm embrace
Before it crushes me
Beneath the disappointment
Of hopes I cannot meet

"The stone which the builders rejected has become the chief cornerstone" -Psalm 118:22
"and whomever falls on this stone will be broken; but on whomever it falls,
it will grind him to powder."                                                                     -Matthew 21:44

May I fall, not into my own failure, but into line with His ways so
that my fall is broken by Him and I am broken on Him instead of being
crushed to powder as I stand in His way.

Lord, grant me the grace to believe what I know to be true,
that Your way is far better than my own.

The Leaves' Love

The leaves whisper to the sky

Dancing in the breeze

Their soft rustle moves the air

Even as they turn eager faces to the sun

They cannot help but flirt with the earth

As their undersides send flickering shadows

Spilling to the ground

Green and blue and brown

Gradually their flirtatious banter 

Grows into an irresistible attraction

Changing from green to brown 

To match their lover down below

Despite their castle in the sky

They have fallen for the ground

And now they gladly fall to it

For the chance to caress its face

As they skip happily in the breeze

Their soft rustle growing into a cheerful snap and crackle

Crushed beneath passing feet

They are pressed into earth's sweet bosom

Speechless now

For no sound could express the sheer joy of this union

Though their outward beauty has fled away

And they no longer possess the coy charm of their youth

These leaves have never been happier then now

Joined at last with their true love

They are dirt. 

People almost always portray it as sad...the leaves dying and stuff....but, really, they are just falling in love with earth.  :)

Flying High! (with my butterfly)

My very own rendering of the Hofstadter Butterfly.  I'm so happy right now!

Library Regulars (a rap)

Me - ohhhhh...the library regulars are starting to show up...I feel like I should introduce myself 'cause there are these two other guys who are ALWAYS in here with me. haha.

My big bro-  Library regulars:

Don't get me wrong girl

cuz I'm totally straight

But I'm a library regular

and I don't wanna hate

But why you been coming

all around here?

Is something messed up

with your personal gear?

P.S.  My computer is broken so I've been doing a lot of my work in the library lately.  Hence, the absolute perfection of my brother's little ditty.  :)

Interviewed

So this afternoon I was interviewed by my friend over at Bacon and Betelgeuse.  Had to answer some tough questions, like who I am, why I blog, and where in the world did I get a name like Counting Pennies.  It was fun and it made me think a bit.  This post is a bit of a break from my normal material, but I think it's good to mix it up a little and, for those of you who are interested, this really talks a little more about who I am then I typically share.  Enjoy!  And check out Bacon and Betelgeuse for more thought provoking posts on everything from gaming to God to life.

Bacon & Betelgeuse: Why Counting Pennies?

onelovingsister: Let's see. I have a thing about pennies. My bf and I would always exchange pennies. Kinda random. Anyways, I was thinking I would probably be doing a lot of waiting in the next few years....and you know how when you're trying to make time pass....like to go to sleep or whatever you start counting things? Like counting sheep? Except pennies instead. :) My mom suggested it actually and that's why I decided to go with it.

B&B: Describe yourself; who do you think of yourself as. what is your self identity?

onelovingsister: I am a girl who has a lot of dreams and a lot of potential. What I want and what others want for me rarely line up. Sometimes I feel I lose myself in the struggle to be what I SHOULD be according to everybody else and what I WANT to be when the day is done. I love to write poetry, but I'm not that good at it. I love cooking and kids and best friends. Math is one of the things that keeps me going every day....math...and my mom. That is my biggest goal in life, to be a mother, but we shall see. I would say the single most defining aspect of my character is my faith. Jesus is the single most important person in my life and I hope to keep it that way. Always. Also, I am a hopeless romantic and I am in love.

B&B: Why did you decide to start a blog?

onelovingsister: Last fall, when my bf transferred schools and subsequently broke up with me, I found myself really struggling, emotionally, academically, even physically, to cope with my feelings. I spent a lot of time very very depressed. My grades started to suffer and I ended up needing to spend a lot of time talking to some close friends, my mom, and one of my professors. I realized that, for me, verbalizing how I felt helped me work through my feelings, a little bit at a time. I posted my stuff on facebook at first, but then I felt a little bit uncomfortable with that because many of my posts were pretty personal. That's when I decided to start a blog. It's my own little place to bare my heart to the world.

B&B: Speaking of personal, why have you recently decided to make your blog public?

onelovingsister: I don't really know. I'm still not ready to have it on facebook. I guess I just feel like it's time to...hmmm...move on? Perhaps that's not quite the right way to put it. As I mentioned earlier, this whole blog thing stemmed from personal issues I was dealing with. I guess I had always thought they were sort of short term issues? Things I would get over pretty quickly. That I would be able to resume my "normal" life soon. Well, I've come to realize it's not going to be like that. I'm in love and I'm waiting and I think I'm going to be doing that for quite a long time and it's okay to acknowledge that and accept that and share that. It's not something I need to cover up or hide from everybody or be ashamed of. It's just how it is. Yes, most of my friends think I'm stupid and crazy and I completely understand where they are coming from, but this is something I feel God is calling me to. So I guess I'm just ready to open up a little bit. Besides, I like to share. :)

B&B: What do you do when you're not writing?

onelovingsister: Ahhh....now that's easy. When I'm not writing, I am working or sleeping or eating or cooking or working out. :) Work consists of studying for school, doing math research, or lifeguarding at my school's pool. I usually do not get enough sleep. I generally eat too much. I love to cook and bake, but only for other people. I do not like to make food for myself. I love to turbo kick (you should try it!) and actually recently got certified as an intstructor. I also love swimming. Sunshine and water make me happy. :) However, my number one favorite thing to do when not writing is going to the beach with my friends and family. I love to hang out with the people I love and the beach just can't be beat. :D

B&B: Anything you'd like to add, or any questions you would like to be asked?

onelovingsister: I would like to add that you are one of the reasons I first considered blogging as my "outlet" and that I really enjoy reading your non-gaming related blog posts. :) Oh! And readers should never hesitate to comment! Even when my posts seem pretty personal or sensitive or whatever. Comments are fun. 

B&B: Well, I've run out of questions. Pleasure interviewing you, and may your blog receive many hits!

onelovingsister: haha. thanks! :D

We are Love

We are all love of family,

We are love of all the family

We are love.

We are love.

We are love.

Everyone is love

Everyone in this country is love.

But

God,

God is in this country,

So God is love,

We are loving we are good we are nice.....

God created everything,

God created everything for us to play in.

That's love.

Everyone is love

All the people are love

Except

the trees are love

Family of trees

The gravel is love

Family of gravel

The grass

All the grass

Is love.

Family of grass.

I love you

We are

Family of love.

               -My three year old brother

...

It seems that fear has won the fight

As I lay awake each night

Tired heart too full to weep

Mind too troubled to let me sleep

I cannot see past today

And the pain that paints it grey

But if I trust Your words are true

Then I know You'll see me through

So each day I'll just keep moving forward

Keep my eyes focused upward

Face turned toward the light

For You have made my future bright

Belief

"Love...believes all things..."

Without exception
Without qualification
Without hesitation

May God grant me the grace to love as He does.

Painfully Obvious

I used to always say that pain was irrelevant.

I thought I could always do what needed to be done no matter how much it hurt.

Now, for the first time in my life, I am tempted to quit simply because this hurts so bad.

I never imagined that anything could be so torturous for so very long.

I guess I was just naive, young and foolish some would say, but I thought time itself would numb my heart.

It has become painfully obvious that either time has failed me or I am failing miserably at waiting for enough to pass me by.

I can hardly bare it anymore.

I am drowning in this swamp of  sorrow and doubt, pulled under by the weight of my own despair.

I try to shrug it off, to stand strong, to make it through, but I just can't seem to gather the strength.

My trust in you is shaken and I have neither the heart to believe you nor the heart to reject you.
I can only pray that God will give me the heart to love you, unrequited, for as long as need be.

That He will give me the faith to trust that this time your words are as real as the pain I carry with me each day.

His Words

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, 
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."  -Proverbs 31:30

"Do not let your adornment be merely outward—
arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 
rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, 
with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, 
which is very precious in the sight of God."   -1 Peter 3:3-5

In the Eye of the Beholder

Beauty is

Defined by you
Sought by me

An elusive prize

A shifting mirage of truth and lies

Is Beauty

The number of inches around my waist?
The number of boys who's lips I taste?

How I fix my hair?
What clothes I choose to wear?

Some nights I lie awake and wonder
What life would be like if I were

As lovely as the princess in a fairy tale
If I saw the number I wanted on the scale

Would you still have said goodbye?
Was your story just a lie?

Some days I just want to be beautiful.

Something Stupid

‎"If it's just something stupid ask for help because someone can help you. 
It's when you've tried everything and nothing works and you don't know 
what to do that's when you don't ask because no one can help you anyway."     
-my mentor. 


Which begs the question, what if you've tried everything, nothing works, you don't know what to do, AND it's something stupid?

Face of Love

Restless Fingers, Anxious Brain

Missing you.

You know the day you first hugged me was also the day you first told me you loved me?  
We got things so backwards.  <3  I miss you.

Today's Happy Happenstance

I was sitting on the steps outside of Cherry on Top eating my froyo in the warmth of the setting sun just minding my own business and watching the people pass me by as I thought over life.  Today has given me some trouble and I wanted to be alone for a while and get some sugar in my blood.  As I was getting ready to leave my warm step a family passed by me with their freshly acquired cups of sweetness.  I thought nothing of it and went to throw away my empty cup and spoon.  Walking back down Green St. I kept my head down focused on ignoring a young guy who had been checking me out while having a smoke with his buddy.  Just as I passed by them I heard someone calling me and I immediately felt a little panicked, but when I looked up I breathed a sigh of relief.  It was the same family I had seen leaving Cherry on Top a few minutes before.  The following conversation made my day.

man - "Hey!  So how old are you?"

me to the man- *are-you-kidding-me-right-now-look*

man- "I think you're 17, but my wife thinks your 25."

me to the man's wife- *are-you-kidding-me-right-now-look*

wife- "No! It's just that...well.."

me- "Oh!  I'm 19."

man to his wife- "See!"  

man to me- "What school do you go to?"

me- "I'm not from around here.  I go to the University of Hawaii-Hilo.  I'm just here for the summer doing a research project at Caltech."

man- "I knew you were smart!  So you go to Caltech?"

me- "No.  I'm from Hawaii, but I'm doing a project in theoretical physics at Caltech this summer."

man- "See!  I told my wife you were smart.  When I saw you I just I knew you were smart!  I wanted to make sure I wasn't losing my judgement.  Good luck with everything!"

me- *wondering-how-anyone-looks-smart-eating-froyo-on-a-street-corner*  "Thank you!"


Perhaps it was just the way he said it, "I knew you were smart!"  He was just so certain and emphatic about it even though all he had seen me do was eat froyo on a step.  It really made me smile.

I Dislike:

Those awkward times when you love someone too much to shut up even though you both wish you would.

Reminiscing

Innocent

Naive

Alone

Afraid

You saw me that day

But you didn't know what to say

Young 

Laughing

Happy 

Unaware

I had not the slightest idea

I had caught your heart in my snare

Classmates

Lab Partners

Study Buddies

Friends

Each week that passed the closer we grew

Still you never said what you knew to be true

Silly

Sleepless

Giggles

Mean

I never guessed that in lab you were always such a tease

Just to cover your blush when my thigh brushed your knees

Butterflies

Soft sighs

Late night talks

Random walks

I finally began to see

What you really meant to me

Flowers for my hair

Longing stares

Holding me close

Not letting go

Your eyelashes brush my cheek

I can't bear the thought you'll be gone in a week

Distance

Patience

Waiting

Weeping

Far apart now I remember how you rarely said

The thoughts running through your head

Fear

Jealousy 

Losing you

Fighting me

Just 'cause I don't hear it anymore

Doesn't make your love for me any less sure

Smile

Work

Hope

Love

One day we'll be together again

And nothing else will matter then

Shattered

When I say shattered, I mean it.  

Whether I am talking phones or hearts.

Suffering, Submission, Perfection, Release

Inner veil torn

Ripped completely in two

Son’s suffering grants intimacy

For God’s chosen few

Suffering, submission,

Perfection, release

                                   

Pray without ceasing

Humbled down on weak knees

Fumbling, Groping,

Wanting to please

Voice firm and clear

Releasing of fear

Peace offered, Peace taken

Direction is clear

Hands gently open

Seeking  just  One

Heart soft and listening

Safe with the Son

Suffering, submission,

Perfection, release

Written for me by my mom in response to my poem, Torn.

Torn

Put you in my box of memories

High up on the shelf

Put you with the dusty volumes

Of my long forgotten past

Put you out of my mind

With all your love and hope and hurt

Put you out of my heart

Where you always came in first

 Is that what you want?

To join the ghosts that haunt my past?

Just one more friendship that didn’t last?

Around my neck I wear the key

The only one that seals the box

I filled with all I thought would be

But each time I go to fasten the lock

My heart shrinks back

For once it’s closed

There’s no returning

And so I stand here

Torn in two

Between the love I feel for you

And what you last asked me to do

It's NOT topology, Marissa!

So today at the MURF pizza party our sweet coordinator, Wendy, had six of us kids pair up to play a game.  The game is as follows:

Each partner has a ribbon tying their hands together, hand cuff style.

The ribbons are looped through each other before being tied so that the partners are interlocked

This forms something like a link of arms and ribbons.  The keyword here is *link*.

The goal is for the partners to separate themselves.

As I was watching the three pairs trying to unlink themselves from each other my first thought was, "Is this possible?"  After all, my first instinct is to approach the situation mathematically.  Instantly I'm thinking of knot theory and topology.  Mathematically speaking, I didn't see how it was possible to take a two component link like this one (a Hopf link) and seperate it without slicing the link in any way.  Watching Icon and Gabie I couldn't help but say something, "It's like two donuts linked together.  How is it possible to seperate them without cutting anything?"

The response I got was PRICELESS!  It was like Icon read my mind.  :D

"It's NOT topology, Marissa!  This is real life."  -Icon

That is my new favorite quote.  It turns out that the the so called links weren't actually links because of the space between each person's wrists and the ribbon.  So, despite my confusion, it WAS possible for each team to unlink themselves without destroying everything that I have learned about topology and mathematics up to now.


Edit:  Toby wanted to point out that, "real life is a proper subset of topology", which I completely agree with.  However, I believe that fact adds to the humor immensely since it was the precise cause of my complete confusion.  :D

Puzzle of Me

I am
A puzzle
A hodge podge collection of different pieces
That somehow
Click together
To form a landscape
Of colors
From dark somber hues of black and grey
To the brightest colors of a summer day

Like a puzzle
I am
Easily broken apart
Into a thousand little shapes
But readily put back together again
Although it takes time
To find the scattered pieces
And figure out where they fit
Into the picture of my life

You broke me apart
When you walked away
You thought
I would be okay
You were sure
That, with time,
I would somehow manage
To put myself back together
Although I said I never could

Just a puzzle, I am
Beginning to figure out
How my pieces come together
To form my life's bigger picture
As I work I start to think
You were right
Perhaps, with time,
All the pieces will fall
Back in place

But the closer I get
To cleaning up this mess
Of my life
The more puzzle pieces
I put in place
The clearer it becomes
That something is wrong
With this picture
I'm building

Then I discover
That when you left
You took the pieces of my heart
With you
And no matter
How much time passes me by
No matter
How hard I try to forget you and I
I still need those pieces to finish the puzzle

This puzzle of me
Will always be beautiful
In its own broken way
But it can never
Be complete
Without you here
I can never be okay
Without the pieces
You took away

Morning Reflection

The morning sun
Wakes me up
As I inhale deep breaths
Of Life
The essence of creation
Of Hope
The gift of your Spirit
Of Love
The very fiber of Your being

Your Life
Moves through me
Stirring my sleeping spirit
To awake
From its deadly slumber
And arise from this soft bed
Of worldly desires and pursuits
To walk in the fullness of your Plans
And be renewed in your abundant Life

Your Hope
Is a tiny seed
Fallen in the crumbled dust
Of my ruined life
Taking root in my very soul
It grows quickly
Pushing upwards
Toward the light of your Son
Filling me with Joy inexplicable

Your Love
Cannot be contained
In this fragile broken vessel of my heart
It overcomes me
Overfills me
A shining rushing river of You
Spilling out around me
In an unstoppable flood
Of never ending Love

And as my spirit quickens with Life
And Hope grows within my soul
As I am resurrected in You
Overwhelmed with the joy of your Love
I can begin to feel your gentle hands at work
Picking up the pieces of my damaged heart
Healing the devastation
I never thought could be repaired
Turning my tears to laughter with the wonder of
Your Life
Your Hope
Your Love
YOU

 "He heals the brokenhearted
  And binds up their wounds."  -Psalm 147:3

"Now hope does not disappoint, 

 because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts 

 by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

                                                                     -Romans 5:5

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; 
 there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. 
 There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
                                                                             -Revelations 21:4

Shinyness

"I'm glad you're starting to feel better Marissa :)  You have such a shinyness-filled
personality, and it's all the more shiny when you are in high spirits! Maybe all
the extreme shine will help inspire people around you to feel better like you have for
me before ^_^" -Chris

That's an excerpt from one of the top three texts I have ever received (and definitely
the longest).  Whenever I start feeling down I just have to read that and everything
will seem a little more shiny.  <3  Besides when you remember this:

"The love of God has been poured into our hearts by his Spirit living in us, alleluia."

It's hard not to shine because we have such a gloriously shiny reason to.  We are
children of God and, believe it or not, he loves us.   <3

Through a Child's Eyes

A while back I posted this: to my Mom: which contained a poem written by my sister, 1artlovingirl. I happened to read the first of those poems to my 3 year old brother and he loved it.  He kept wanting it read to him over and over again.  This is his translation:


Falling bright like a raindrop

If I was an apple
I would be so happy to be to be your tree.

If I was a poem
I would be happy to be your stream.

Move you on

These rough edges.

Travel Weary

Here I am.  Sitting at Gate 75 of Liberty International Airport in Newark, New Jersey.  And I am so tired.  My head hurts.  My eyes hurt.  My knees hurt.  And of course my bottom hurts from so much sitting.  I am surrounded by strangers and unfamiliar faces.  Alone in a sea of humanity.  I feel rumpled and sweaty and stained and it seems that at last my body feels just like my heart....ever so weary....and yet the journey has just begun.

His Words

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
 Nor have entered into the heart of man
 The things which God has prepared for those who love Him."
                                                                 -1 Corinthians 2:9

heartbroken.

Today is the saddest day in my life.  In books it always sounds romantic when a person loves someone else so much that they are willing to let them go, but in real life it's just tragic.  I feel like I'm dead inside.  My heart is broken and I'll never be okay again.

My Prayer

"Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back; 
expectancy, that is holding the face up; 
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do; 
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."
                                                                              -anon                 


Lord, help me to continue to wait with steadfastness and patience.
Let me always look forward with expectancy to what You have planned for me.
May I never forget to listen for Your voice so that I can act in obedience to Your perfect will.