Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories they're haunted. 

Don't tell me we were meant to say goodbye 

Don't say you love me so when you're gonna let me go
You can't make it alright when I know it's all wrong.

I just want you to know that I couldn't have loved you better

But you're already gone

This Too Shall Pass

I was sure the day would never come

When I would say, 

"We're through.  It's done."

In my innocence I thought

That we would never be apart

But now I'm here and you are not

I was sure our love could pass the test

I prayed 

That God would bring His best

But His best can be deceiving

Right now

It's left me bruised and bleeding

Still, I know that He is great

His plans for me

Are worth the wait

You broke my heart

You watched me drown

But God will never let me down

He'll pull me through this hurt and pain

What seems like loss

He'll turn to gain 

So I'll close the door upon the past
I'll shut my eyes
This too shall pass

Lost

Lost
I stand here among the dust
That was stirred into a billowing cloud
Lifted from the ground by hurrying feet
I stand here and watch him leave
I long to hold him close but already he is
Gone

Tears
If only they would come
My eyes are dry
My heart too sore to cry
I can only watch the dust
And wait for it to settle so I can
See

Prayers
Come unbidden to my lips
That he will be safe
And stay close to his God
That I will see him soon
And that I remain forever in his
Thoughts

Alone
The tears come at last
Sweet relief for my weary mind
Clearing my eyes to see that beauty still remains
Reminding me that God is close
I will wait for his
Return

Lost
Once again in the swirling cloud
Shaken up by the same hurrying feet
But this time they draw close and closer still
Wildly my heart beats, full of hope
Then, once again, he is here and I am
Found

3/10/2010

Save Me

Falling
Just to hit the ground


Please, just catch me now


Calling
Though no one's around


Please, just hear me now

Hoping

That love can still be found

Please, just love me now

Running
From the fears that hold me down


Please, don't just let me get away


Praying 
For a sign or sound


Please, just show me it'll be okay


Waiting 
To see if you will save me or watch me drown


Please, don't let me slip away


Save me from myself, 
Catch me, answer me, stop my escape
Give me hope, don't make me wait
Save me from myself 


Please, don't let me down

His Words

"You are worthy, O Lord, 
To receive glory and honor and power; 
For You created all things, 
And by Your will they exist and were created."
                                        -Revelations 4:11

OneRepublic

So I'm a little behind with my posts.  I don't usually skip days, but I haven't had internet this past weekend and I was too busy to write anyway.  I spent all of Sunday and Monday on Oahu, shopping, shopping, and shopping with my wonderful friend, Pac.  We had the most glorious couple of days and the cherry on top of the sundae was seeing OneRepublic in concert on Monday night.  It was truly unbelievable.  I won't even try to put it into words.  I will just say that I was giddy with excitement and happiness the entire time.  The song I found most moving when performed live was All This Time.  It brought me to the point of tears.

Disappointment

Resigned to the silence

I am prepared for the inevitable

Determined not to raise my hopes

For I already know that they would be dashed

When reality meets my expectations

I am not surprised
For it was this I planned for
The disappointment is avoided

Yet, somehow, all emotion cannot be evaded
And although it is not disappointment I feel
The bitter reality can not help but bring with it a hint of sorrow
Reminding me that all is not as it should be

And then, without warning or request, I hear your voice
I listen to your sorry excuses
And I try to stay strong
For I do not want you to hear the tremble in my voice

But as soon as the call ends
I burst into tears
Tears of sadness and frustration and confusion
And then the disappointment comes

I don't know when I lost you
I don't know why my love is not enough
I only know that it kills me to be seen as so unworthy and inadequate in your eyes
And it pains me that you don't even think my words deserve a reply

You see, I can bury my hopes
I can mask my disappointments
But deep down inside
It will always hurt me to know that you no longer care

Falling Behind...

Swish, splash, kick, pull
Heart pumping, legs kicking, arms aching
Gliding forward toward the wall

Touch, turn, splash, push
Breath gasping, lungs straining, surface breaking
Just a little further, a little harder, a little faster

An inch stretches to a foot
Pull, push, flutter, turn
Each lap the distance increases

The final stretch is reached and that last desperate lunge
Arms are numb, lungs threaten to burst, mind blurs
But it is too late to prevent defeat

The distance is too great to overcome
Growing greater with each passing second
It wins in the end and sweeps victory out of reach

Head rests against the wall

Chest heaves, forcing air into empty lungs

Mind spins, fighting dizziness and exhaustion

Falling behind, out of sight, out of mind
Once again, forgotten in the forward rush
Lost in the swift swim to the finish

To my readers

Dear Reader,

I do not know who you are or if you even exist, but I feel that if you are there I should, at some point, acknowledge your presence.  This is my acknowledgment.  Since I have only shared this blog with two of my closest friends, neither of whom, I believe, has taken much interest in reading it, I will assume that we have never met.  In that assumption I take comfort.  For in this blog, this mess of words, this collection of the fragmented thoughts, pictures, feelings, and music that make up my days, I have begun to share who I am.  At times it scares me to realize that I am allowing slivers of my heart to be examined by the random passerby.  At other times I feel privileged to know that someone might stop to look.  My only hope is that, as the days pass and this blog continues to be filled with the stories of my life, someone will find in my rants and rambles some measure of comfort or wisdom or peace.  That as I sort out the mess of emotions, ideas, and people who define me.  As I seek to rectify who I am with who I should be.  As I strive to follow in the footsteps of my Savior.  As I struggle to find balance amidst the hectic schedule of school and work and life.  As I continue to wait, at times impatiently, for the man I love.  That somehow my stories will, to some small degree, reflect the beauty of my Creator and become a spark of light in this dark world.

With all sincerity,
onelovingsister

When words fail me...

I find myself at a loss for words
Nothing I think of can suffice
To describe what I hold inside

My thoughts, when forced against their will
Into the stark black and white of letters on a page,
Lose their meaning and become nothing more than another silly rhyme

I try my best to convey how I feel
To show you my heart
To make you understand what I really mean

But my attempts fall short
My sentences only paint a mangled picture of the reality I see
And I heave a sigh

If only I could spill my heart out on this page
The way tears spill so freely down my cheeks
So that you could see the glimmer of beauty that hides in this ugly shell

Yet, my words betray me and I am left, speechless
Without an eloquent mask of poetry to hide behind
I stutter uncertainly

Still my passion refuses to be silenced
So I will speak my heart
Though no doubt it will be ruined in the telling

In this endless attempt to make you understand
I will speak those three words that have been said so many times before
That at times it seems their value has been lost

You may question my sincerity
You may pass my words off as just another meaningless cliche
But when I say this to you I mean it with every particle of my being

I love you.

His Words

“But if you love those who love you, 
what credit is that to you? 
For even sinners love those who love them. 
And if you do good to those who do good to you, 
what credit is that to you? 
For even sinners do the same. 
And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, 
what credit is that to you?
For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. 
But love your enemies, do good, and lend, 
hoping for nothing in return; 
and your reward will be great, 
and you will be sons of the Most High. 
For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. 
Therefore be merciful, 
just as your Father also is merciful.
                                                           -Luke 6:32-36

When Dreams ARE True

Last night, I was chatting with Chris on Skype and he wanted to know why I was invisible.  I, half jokingly and half seriously, said I was attempting to hide from the world.  Later, after I had watched Nathan, once again, come online and then leave again without saying, 'hi' or even replying to my emails, I posted this as my status.  "Who knew staying in touch was such a one-sided proposition?" which precipitated the following conversation.

CHRIS- marissssssssssa

your status sounds unhappy

me- ahhh....yes. it is.

CHRIS- :( that's nooo good

me- no worries.  it's fine.  some people are just lame...that's all

CHRIS- well, you are not lame. so!  SMILES AND RAINBOWS!

U R A STAR

me- likewise...you're so good at cheering me up  :D  .....anyways....I think I'm gonna go to bed.....sleeping is a VERY good way to hide from the world....especially when you're so super sleepy that you won't dream....and I'm very sleepy

CHRIS- thanks for cheering up!  good night and enjoy your sleep-escape

Note the highlighting?  That is the key point.  I was so tired that I felt quite sure that if I just went to sleep I could spend at least a few hours untroubled by thoughts of Nathan.  So much for that idea.  I dreamed about him all night, but, for some reason, it was a good dream.  He didn't really say much to me and nothing really happened.  There was just one point in the dream that stood out to me.  Nathan turned towards me, looked me in the eyes, and said something about waiting or "keeping things for later".  I wish I could remember exactly how he said it because it was so absolutely perfect and very similar to things he has told me in the past.  Nathan's words may elude me, but the feelings they evoked are as vivid as can be.  I felt such a surge of trust in him and love for him.  His words were a clear reminder of all the reasons why waiting is worth it, why I love him so much, and why things might finally work out in the end.  I did not "escape" in my sleep, but I woke with hope and that is ever so much better. 

When Dreams Come True

It really is a good life.  I am so excited to be spending my President's Day weekend on Oahu.  A whole weekend of shopping, eating and tanning at the beach with one of my best friends all leading up to a OneRepublic concert on Monday night.  Could it get much better?

February Funk

Okay.  I'll admit it.  I've been just a little bit sappy lately.....make that very sappy.  So shoot me, but with Valentines Day just around the corner I think I have at least some small justification for my current mood.  A year ago at this time I was getting to know my best friend.  At the time I thought it would never be more than a friendship.  I was wrong and that was only the first in a long series of misunderstandings and mistakes.  Yet, despite all the "drama", the arguments, and the break up, there are still so many wonderful memories.  When I think back on them all it makes me teary eyed.  I guess this will be the first Valentines that I'm actually disappointed to be dateless.  I know who I want my Valentine to be, but sadly, we aren't talking at the moment.  Or rather, I have talked and he has not replied.  It's been tough and my emotions have been evident in my writing, which has hovered between melancholy, melodramatic, and boy-crazy.  What can I say?  I love the kid and waiting has never been my cup of tea.  Although, I must say, that I've been drinking so much of it lately that I'm beginning to appreciate the flavor.  The flavor of waiting, that is, not of tea.

But it is us I see...

No Surrender.

Reblogged this from http://djcuppycake.tumblr.com.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  Yet, even as my heart leaps in agreement with the words above, I know that these feelings, as real as they seem, are not entirely accurate.  There is Someone who will be there for me.  Someone who will help me and save me and fix me, but sometimes Jesus seems so far away.  I cannot see Him or smell Him or touch Him. It leaves my carnal nature crying out to be held and loved and wanted.  To have a man's arms holding me so tightly and with such love that I cannot escape.  To feel the rush of his raw emotions pulsing through my body as his heart beats next to mine.  To breathe in his heady, intoxicating scent.  It sounds so fleshly, so sinful, so selfish.  I know and I am ashamed, but my fragile human nature continues to crave that physical and emotional affirmation.  I refuse to surrender to these natural desires.  I will wait for the man God has for me.  I will wait for him....eagerly.  Christ, help me to be satisfied in your love.

His Words

"And we know that all things work together 
for good to those who love God, 
to those who are the called 
according to His purpose."
                                           -Romans 8:28
                                     

Dying Inside

I was chatting with a friend and he mentioned that he and his girlfriend were fighting.  I sympathized and said how much I hated getting into fights with people I care about.  He went on to share a bit of his feelings:

"Our fights are retarded though
we get mad over the smallest things
well I'm normally fine
just oversensitive with her
not necessarily oversensitive with everyone
I don't know if you know how it feels
like
I care about this one person more than anything in the world
and I do something to upset her
it upsets me
it kills me inside
and if she hurts me it hurts even more
it'd be like your role model insulting you
bad metaphor but I think you get it
it hurts more when you know how much they care about you"

I just sat there and read the words as they popped into my chat box.  It made me so sad.  I know exactly how it feels.  When I care about someone the smallest jabs can feel like stabs and the stabs send me reeling to the floor.  The silence is even worse though and with it comes the realization that to that someone, to him, I'm just another face on the street, not even worth a nod of the head or wave of the hand.  The little dot next to his name in my chat list switches from grey to green and then, an hour later, it fades back to grey, without even so much as a "hello".  I watch him disappear and the tears fall.

So what makes it worth this?  Why do I endure all this heartache?  I don't know.  The thought of what he could be?  The memory of how he was?  The hope for what he is?  Something inside of me insists that things will change.  That if I wait long enough, that if I love him hard enough, that if I have enough patience then it will be alright in the end.  That it will work out.  That he just needs time to grow.  That he just needs the space to mature.  That he can be the man I see in him.  I suppose it's just irrational optimism, but if there's anything I can do to make it work, I want to make sure I do it.  So, really, it comes down to this.  I endure it because I love him and the only thing that makes everything worth it is the hope that one day he will love me in return.

7 years

2 more years for a B.S.

2 more years for an M.S.

2 more years to put some money in the bank.

1 year just in case.

2 years filled to the top

Countless deadlines crowding out all else

Classes to attend

Papers to write

Projects to complete.

I would be a distraction

A hindrance

I would hold you back 

and slow you down

I understand

So I'll wait

2 more years will pass

With research to be done 

A thesis to be written

More classes to attend

Connections to be made

I would only fill your mind with other things

My "drama" would drag you down

My presence would sap your strength

Once again I would become yet another distraction

I understand 

So I'll wait

3 more years pass

You have a job now

And are busy working your way to the top

The stress is enormous

Your load is at times unbearably heavy

I only take up your precious time

Distract you with my own petty problems

Just one more person to plan for
One more life to figure out

I understand

But this is life

There will always be things to do

Will there ever be time for us?

Or will you always see me as that distraction holding you back?

Will I always be the item on your to-do list that you never quite reach?

I have waited for years now

Countless others have been turned down

As I hold myself in reserve

Waiting for the time to be right

Waiting to be with you at last

Please, don't make me wait forever.

Why I hide online a.k.a. The crazy awesomeness that is Max

"who could be better than Chris!?

BITCH

YOU IZ FUCKED UP!

Ex

bitch

HE YO EX

EX BITCH

HE IS YO EX BITCH

we are gonna hook Chris up with some california girl, who is atheist, likes sex, and is a libertarian then.

thought I might ask you first

but hey

Marissa

you go girl

Love your Ex like no other girl has before!

-a few minutes later-

I don't know

but now he [Chris] is sad

you should be ashamed

but it is OK

because you are following your heart" 

Thanks, Max.  I have never had someone curse me out, accuse me of "leading on" a good friend, and make me feel so sad in such a short period of time, while at the same time causing me to double over in uncontrollable laughter and horror.  You are truly gifted, Max. 

Just shut up and kiss me.

More than life...

Overwhelmed

Do you ever feel like there is so much to do that you can't even begin to scratch the surface?  Like you spend so much time just trying to keep up only to realize that you have already fallen behind?  That everything is rushing by you so quickly that if you even take the time to rest your eyes for a minute by the time you open them you will have missed too much to ever make up?  So many countless things to do and so very little time to accomplish them.  So much to strive for, yet you are so often left wondering how much of it you can ever really attain.  That's me right now.  Tired and slightly behind, but, at the same time, not defeated.  Just a little bit overwhelmed.  Oh!  what I wouldn't give for a good long hug, but right now I will settle for a hot shower and soft bed.  Good night, world!  May I meet you tomorrow with a little more rest, a little less to do, and a smile on my face.