Dreaming

I dream of you with my eyes wide open

I can see your smile

And the scars on the backs of your hands

I can hear the laughter in your voice.

So dream of me tonight

Let my laughter ring in your ears

Let my love dispell your fears

Let my face haunt your dreams

Like the memories of you fill my days

Even when I sleep

Our stories chase me through the night

Till they melt away in the morning light

And I am left to gasp myself awake

Trying so desperately to catch one last breath of you.

My cheeks are wet

Because I cannot shake the thought

That perhaps I will never again feel your touch

Except in the mirage of my own mind

That I will only see your smile

In these memories I relive over and over

Each night as I sleep.

flashback

Tonight, as I unpacked my bags from Cali and repacked them for Oahu I ended up sorting through the contents of an assortement of bags and backbacks.  During this process of emptying and rearranging, I stumbled across a crumpled index card.  On it was a few lines I jotted down sometime in the wee hours of the morning back in July of 2010.  I found it interesting and somewhat encouraging to find that, over a year after I wrote the words and three months after finally hearing the crushing answer to the "question", my heart has not changed.

"Midnight comes and goes

 I cannot bring myself to sleep

 Uncertainty haunts my footsteps 

 What does the future hold?

 I do not know.

 I wait for the answer to a question

 A question I did not pose and have already answered

 I wish I knew what to expect, but only God does.

 And then there are those three words

 Three words I long to hear, but only from him

 So I wait and hope and pray for the right time to come soon.

 Please, Lord, give me your patience, grant me your grace, and let me be filled with your peace. 

 I am yours, now and forever.  Be with me.

 I love you, Jesus, but only 'cause you loved first."