Better off without you...

I am surrounded by friends
My ears are filled with their light-hearted banter
And I cannot help but be swept up in the fun
Then, out of the blue, the thought hits me
For the first time in a long time,
I am happy despite you
And though it hurts me to acknowledge it
I am better off without you
The very idea confuses me
And I am left to wonder
If I ever truly loved you 
Then how can I be happy
When I know that you are gone
It is then that I remember
That when you fully love another
Then you no longer matter
It is not about yourself
I don't love you to make me happy
I love you so someday you see
That you are someone special
Especially to me
But when the only indication
That you even know I'm here
Is the fact that every chance
You get
You take
To break and smash and tear
Than it is only natural
That I only now can smile
When I know that you
Will not be back
To knock me down again.

Golden Days...

A splitting headache
Wakes me up
I force open eyes heavy with fatigue
Damp hair clings to my neck
As I fling back the covers
I shake away sleep
And realize
That today
Is my birthday

Today is the 19th of March
And today
I am 19
I feel so old
As if life is finally starting to catch up
I won't be a kid much longer

I can still remember
When I was so little
That I had to climb
Up the front of our kitchen cabinets
Just to see what was on the counter

I can remember
Running through shoulder high grass
In my back yard
And feeling as if I was lost
In the world's deepest jungle

I can remember the day
When I was 3
And I opened my heart
To the love of my Savior
And was filled with joy indescribable

I can remember cooking
My first meal for the family
My 8 year old heart
Bursting with pride
In my accomplishment

I remember when I  was 13
And started hating
The body I saw in the mirror
And I remember
Coming to terms with it again

I remember the long days of 15
Spent doing school work
At the kitchen table
As the chatter flew
Between my sisters and me

I remember my first day of school
When I was 17
And I was so scared
Until Myles erased my fear
With his kind smile
And friendly conversation
As we ate lunch
Before our first calc 2 class

I remember my 18th birthday
The wonderful surprise
The lovely chocolate cake
That my dear Kimi, Chihi, and Matt
Had waiting for me in CH11
It was the first day of the most tumultuous year of my life

The year I fell in love
And learned that a broken heart
Is more than a phrase from a fairy tale
When I realized that happiness
Can exceed all expectations
And words can cut deeper
Than the sharpest knife

Yes, today is my birthday
Today, I am 19
So I remember
Everything that came before
And I look forward with excitement and hope
To what lies ahead
With an open heart
And throbbing head

Pictures....

Throbbing at the sight of your face

Bringing the tears in a stinging rush to my eyes

I kick myself for this sorrow I feel

For I know you have long since moved on

But what I felt for you was real

And it refuses to be quieted by my will

If only things had not gone as they did

If only I had kept my heart as my own

Instead of letting you inside

To so quickly rip it to shreds

But it's okay

I love you anyway

And one day you will know

That my love for you was worth more than this

More than just another college friend

More than just another passing whim

More than you have yet to understand

Enough to give up all I've ever wanted

To help you chase your dreams

My love for you

Would break down any wall

And cross any sea

That dared separate

You from me

Except for

This

Wall

Solid

Impenetrable

That you have built

Between

Us

This

Wall

That turned 'we'

Into

You

and

Me

I have tried

To break it down

But now I know

That my efforts are in vain

You have turned me away

Blocked me out

Rejected me

And I know

That we will never be

But still I cry

For what I hoped to see

Because no matter what you

Say

Despite everything you can

Do

I will always know that

I

Loved

You

Tragedy

Shaking
The shudders run through the house
And instinctively I grab my friend's arm
My body is tense with anxiety and fear
Waiting for the quick jolt
The crack of breaking wood
Which would alert us to the fact
That the disaster playing out on our TV
Had struck home at last

Suddenly
With no more preamble than it was begun
The movement stops
And the silence is broken only
By a collective sigh of relief
The fear that in an instant
Had obtained a death grip on our minds
Begins to dissipate as our stricken faces
Break into nervous smiles

Fascinated
We scan the channels
And scour the web
Searching for answers to what will be
For although we feel a certain security
In the comfort of our home
And the presence of dear friends
Within us all is that deeply rooted fear
That today we will meet tragedy face to face

Danger
Has finally passed us by
And we return to that warm sense of safety
That security to which we cling so tightly
Yet even as we revel
In the undisturbed beauty of our own little worlds
The barrage of images
Assaulting us from our brightly lit screens
Shows us all the brokenness of another land

Tragedy
Has shown it's terrifying face
And although we were not the ones
Who were forced to look upon it
We nonetheless recoil
From the endless parade of human suffering
That it has caused
For in the darkest corners of our minds
That quiet voice wonders why it wasn't us

Inhale

Inhale
And in that passing breath
I smell you
Strong and clean
It overwhelms me
With a sudden urge
To call your name
To bury my face in the crook of your neck
To feel your arms pulling me close
Holding me tight

Eyes
Flicker upward
And I realize
That you are not there
Only the ghost of a memory
Remains by my side
Even as my nostrils fill with your sweet scent
My eyes begin to fill with tears
For I know that never again
Will I feel your love

The day
Begun with blue skies and happy heart
Now shifts to darkened hues of grey
Sadness thicker than a bank of clouds
Rolls unbidden over me
For though, with each passing day,
I grow less tender to your blows
It seems I never can escape
The stark reality
That my love for you will never be returned

Blessed

Blue
Bright skies
Underwires
The soft squish of my stuffed dog
Reflections in the mirror
Off the sky
Bringing beauty to my eye

Green
Favorite tees
Close cropped trees
The worn velvet of my rocking chair
Surrounding me with life
Springing from the ground
Vibrant all around

Pink
Bright tinged clouds
Ice cream in heaping mounds
The flowery profusion on my newest dress
It catches my eye
Soft and feminine
Reminding me of who I am

Colors
In excess they abound
From the sky to the humble ground
They speak of beauty's quiet strength
Bringing light to the drabbest things
Each color is a promise of His love
A testimony to the Father above.

Trapped

I was certain of what I wanted to do

But that all changed when I met you

When I met you I dropped my guard

You showed me love and I fell so hard. 

And that's when my steps began to fumble 

I watched my dreams all start to crumble

But in their ashes new ones grew

And every one I shared with you

No longer looking for acclaim

I only wished to share your name

But now you're gone. That's in the past

My heart is shut up, tight and fast

Trapped on the path that I have begun

Moving forward at a run

Trying to forget what could have been

If only you had let me in

Choices are made without delay

My dreams are fading, fading away

I'm striving and climbing to get to the top

But all along I just want to stop

I have no choice, but to keep on moving

Although I don't know what I'm doing

At every turn I attain success

Every one thinks I'm getting the best

Four years and two degrees

Straight A's and a Ph.D.

But this is not what I want anymore

Your love has taught me to long for more

So in the dark of these long lonely nights

I'll cry for all those if's and mights

But as I cry I'll hope and pray

That these dead dreams lead me your way

Promise...

I will post something later today.  I promise.  I know it's been a while since I've written anything, but life gets in the way.  I have a lot to say.  I just don't know how to say it.

His Words

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely;
and may your whole spirit, soul, and body 
be preserved blameless 
at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  
He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.
                                                        1 Thessalonians 5:23-24