Last semester was a really hard time for me. My best friend transferred to a different university and it just so happened that my best friend was also my boyfriend and when he transferred he broke up with me. I was devastated. I loved him so much. When he looked at me I felt my worth. When he held me in his arms it sent shivers of excitement and delight to my very core. When he said he loved me it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard and I was sure that it would always be true. And then he was gone and I was left to carry on. Heartbroken.
This experience made me question everything about myself. Was it something about my character? I've always been a good kid, but perhaps not good enough? Was it my personality? I can be very forceful and straightforward, but it's never caused friction in my friendships. I usually make friends easily and most people I know seem to enjoy spending time with me. So what had I done wrong? Perhaps, I wasn't pretty enough. I could see that one. I'm not exactly a stellar example of beauty, but what could I change? Was I too fat? I began to lose weight simply because food no longer seemed worth eating. I wanted to know so badly what I had done wrong. What I could have changed to make him stay?
My self worth plummeted. My grades plummeted. My normal cheerfulness and positivity vanished. Concerned co-workers checked up on me. They kept asking why I looked so sad. Friends worried about me constantly. They did everything in their power to console me, but to no avail.
Then reality came knocking on the door in the form of a B on my Calculus 3 midterm. My professor called me into his office, sat me down in front of his desk, closed the door, and asked me what was wrong. It all came out, my sorrow, my frustration, my questions, the whole sad story. An hour later I was still crying my eyes out with my face buried in my arms. My professor listened and nodded along, waiting for me to finish. Finally, I had said it all. Every doubt and fear, every question, all the thoughts that had swirled endlessly in my mind. I told him about how I couldn't focus anymore, not in class, not on tests, not on hw. He said he had noticed. He could see how distracted I was in class and had wondered what had made my attitude so cocky and uncaring. It was a huge relief to get it off my chest. Just crying for a while made me feel better, but it wasn't over.
Even after receiving guidance, comfort, and some gentle reproof about the folly of letting myself become stuck in this quagmire of despair, I still didn't see how I could keep going. I tried my best to change my attitude and I succeeded to some extent. I paid more attention in class and managed to pull my grades up a bit, but I was still confused and hurting. I hated school. I hated life. I wanted to hate my friend.
My professor continued to counsel me. He helped me work through some of my emotional turmoil, especially the feelings of inadequacy that had plagued me. Every time I talked to him he assured me that it would get better. That eventually the pain would go away and I would be happy again. In fact, he always said that not only would I be happy, but that when the mess I was in now was over I would actually be happier than I had been before it started. He said that the bitter would only make the sweet that much more appealing. I didn't believe him. I was so depressed that it seemed things could never be alright.
Then one morning, just a couple of days before this semester started, I woke up and realized that my professor was right. The world was a happy place. I felt so light and free. Nothing had changed really, my friend was still gone, he was still "just a friend", and I still missed him terribly. Something had changed in my heart though and, somehow, everything was better. I'm still not quite sure what happened. I suppose I just realized that it wasn't fair, to myself or anyone else, to let my happiness, self-image, and attitude toward life be based so exclusively on the actions (or inactions) of a single person. Maybe everything will work out between my friend and I. I hope with all my heart that they will, but maybe they won't. Either way, I decided it was time to start bringing joy and smiles to those around me, instead of sadness and tears. The world is beautiful and I am ever so happy.
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