Don't forget..........I love you.

"To navigate you must be brave and to be brave you must remember." -Mau Piailug

"to be brave you must remember" .....so remember this now and never, ever forget it......I love you.

Snow Globe

A snow globe is
Such a boring piece of glass
When it sits on the shelf
Collecting dust like the knick knacks
That surround it.

Yet when it is grabbed by little fingers
And shaken into a flurry
Suddenly, it is beautiful

As the sifting, falling, spinning flakes of white
Dust tiny rooftops
Like a thick layer of powdered sugar
Young eyes watch in awe

Entranced by the magic in their palms
Eager hands cannot help but shake it,
Flip it,
And turn it upside down
Just to see the lovely flurry one more time

I am a snow globe

I used to sit on the shelf
Silent, ugly and unused
But with my future certain
And my plans well laid

Now I am
Held in the hands of God
And I cannot see past today
My plans are fraying at the ends

For it seems that every time the pieces of my life
Finally settle and shift and fall into place
As soon as my plans are made
Swoosh!
In an instant they are gone

My world is dumped back upside down
Plans are shaken apart
And I am left in a swirling mess
Bruised and confused
Begging for you to help me understand
Why I can no longer stand

Can it be
That you see more than ruined dreams
In this falling tumble of hopes and plans?

Is it true
That you find me beautiful
When I am on my knees?

I try.

Is there really a point to keep going from day to day?
Always pushing and striving to do everything I do with excellence
To be a friend worthy of the name
A daughter who does not disappoint
To give completely
To love with the entirety of my being

I try so hard, but I often wonder why
I am just so weary
Tired of working so hard
For something I don't even want
And longing so desperately
For something I may never have

And then I remember your words
So awkwardly out of place
Yet somehow so perfectly fitting
Of all the things you said on that fateful day
It is this simple exchange that I most often remember
I told you that "I try."
And all you said was "I know."

Five letters are all it took
To justify every tear I have ever cried on your behalf
Two words are all I need
To remind me that sometimes trying is all we're asked to do

So I won't stop trying and working and loving
Even if failure meets me at the door
I won't give up on this struggle of life
I'll keep trying
As long as you know that I am.

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."  -Hebrews 10:36


"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  -James 1:12

A fractured friendship......

Quick and shallow, I breathe
My throat is tight with anxiety
Foreboading lies heavy on my heart
He talks quickly
Words jumbling with nervousness and excitement
Music plays
It's my favorite band
And he knows it
My arms are crossed tightly across my chest
I am tight-lipped
My words terse and tense
A picnic lunch?
My heart sinks as I see it
All my favorites
And he knew?
Fear falls to the pit of my stomach
Consuming hunger with its own gnawing pain
He begins with the chit-chat
But I stop him and cut straight to the point
Why am I here?
He begins his apology
Listing off the reasons why he's wrong
And then I hear it
What I felt sure was coming all along
That silly little word
The downfall of even the sweetest sorry
"But..."
And I'm done
Knees drawn up to my chest
I sit there as he talks
But my mind is already far away
In another park
With another boy
Listening to another apology
And all I want to do is cry
But he won't stop
So neither do I
My words fly
Sharp and fast, but true
I can see by his face
That my words sting
Just not enough for him to ever change
And, just like that, he snaps
He says we can't be friends
That we can't talk anymore
So we drive
In angry silence
The tears leaking slowly from my eyes
When the car stops
I get out quickly
And slam the door
On our past
Our future
Our friendship
I turn my back
And sob.

Boys Don't Cry. Or do they?

Dreaming

I dream of you with my eyes wide open

I can see your smile

And the scars on the backs of your hands

I can hear the laughter in your voice.

So dream of me tonight

Let my laughter ring in your ears

Let my love dispell your fears

Let my face haunt your dreams

Like the memories of you fill my days

Even when I sleep

Our stories chase me through the night

Till they melt away in the morning light

And I am left to gasp myself awake

Trying so desperately to catch one last breath of you.

My cheeks are wet

Because I cannot shake the thought

That perhaps I will never again feel your touch

Except in the mirage of my own mind

That I will only see your smile

In these memories I relive over and over

Each night as I sleep.

flashback

Tonight, as I unpacked my bags from Cali and repacked them for Oahu I ended up sorting through the contents of an assortement of bags and backbacks.  During this process of emptying and rearranging, I stumbled across a crumpled index card.  On it was a few lines I jotted down sometime in the wee hours of the morning back in July of 2010.  I found it interesting and somewhat encouraging to find that, over a year after I wrote the words and three months after finally hearing the crushing answer to the "question", my heart has not changed.

"Midnight comes and goes

 I cannot bring myself to sleep

 Uncertainty haunts my footsteps 

 What does the future hold?

 I do not know.

 I wait for the answer to a question

 A question I did not pose and have already answered

 I wish I knew what to expect, but only God does.

 And then there are those three words

 Three words I long to hear, but only from him

 So I wait and hope and pray for the right time to come soon.

 Please, Lord, give me your patience, grant me your grace, and let me be filled with your peace. 

 I am yours, now and forever.  Be with me.

 I love you, Jesus, but only 'cause you loved first."