Flying High! (with my butterfly)

My very own rendering of the Hofstadter Butterfly.  I'm so happy right now!

Library Regulars (a rap)

Me - ohhhhh...the library regulars are starting to show up...I feel like I should introduce myself 'cause there are these two other guys who are ALWAYS in here with me. haha.

My big bro-  Library regulars:

Don't get me wrong girl

cuz I'm totally straight

But I'm a library regular

and I don't wanna hate

But why you been coming

all around here?

Is something messed up

with your personal gear?

P.S.  My computer is broken so I've been doing a lot of my work in the library lately.  Hence, the absolute perfection of my brother's little ditty.  :)

Interviewed

So this afternoon I was interviewed by my friend over at Bacon and Betelgeuse.  Had to answer some tough questions, like who I am, why I blog, and where in the world did I get a name like Counting Pennies.  It was fun and it made me think a bit.  This post is a bit of a break from my normal material, but I think it's good to mix it up a little and, for those of you who are interested, this really talks a little more about who I am then I typically share.  Enjoy!  And check out Bacon and Betelgeuse for more thought provoking posts on everything from gaming to God to life.

Bacon & Betelgeuse: Why Counting Pennies?

onelovingsister: Let's see. I have a thing about pennies. My bf and I would always exchange pennies. Kinda random. Anyways, I was thinking I would probably be doing a lot of waiting in the next few years....and you know how when you're trying to make time pass....like to go to sleep or whatever you start counting things? Like counting sheep? Except pennies instead. :) My mom suggested it actually and that's why I decided to go with it.

B&B: Describe yourself; who do you think of yourself as. what is your self identity?

onelovingsister: I am a girl who has a lot of dreams and a lot of potential. What I want and what others want for me rarely line up. Sometimes I feel I lose myself in the struggle to be what I SHOULD be according to everybody else and what I WANT to be when the day is done. I love to write poetry, but I'm not that good at it. I love cooking and kids and best friends. Math is one of the things that keeps me going every day....math...and my mom. That is my biggest goal in life, to be a mother, but we shall see. I would say the single most defining aspect of my character is my faith. Jesus is the single most important person in my life and I hope to keep it that way. Always. Also, I am a hopeless romantic and I am in love.

B&B: Why did you decide to start a blog?

onelovingsister: Last fall, when my bf transferred schools and subsequently broke up with me, I found myself really struggling, emotionally, academically, even physically, to cope with my feelings. I spent a lot of time very very depressed. My grades started to suffer and I ended up needing to spend a lot of time talking to some close friends, my mom, and one of my professors. I realized that, for me, verbalizing how I felt helped me work through my feelings, a little bit at a time. I posted my stuff on facebook at first, but then I felt a little bit uncomfortable with that because many of my posts were pretty personal. That's when I decided to start a blog. It's my own little place to bare my heart to the world.

B&B: Speaking of personal, why have you recently decided to make your blog public?

onelovingsister: I don't really know. I'm still not ready to have it on facebook. I guess I just feel like it's time to...hmmm...move on? Perhaps that's not quite the right way to put it. As I mentioned earlier, this whole blog thing stemmed from personal issues I was dealing with. I guess I had always thought they were sort of short term issues? Things I would get over pretty quickly. That I would be able to resume my "normal" life soon. Well, I've come to realize it's not going to be like that. I'm in love and I'm waiting and I think I'm going to be doing that for quite a long time and it's okay to acknowledge that and accept that and share that. It's not something I need to cover up or hide from everybody or be ashamed of. It's just how it is. Yes, most of my friends think I'm stupid and crazy and I completely understand where they are coming from, but this is something I feel God is calling me to. So I guess I'm just ready to open up a little bit. Besides, I like to share. :)

B&B: What do you do when you're not writing?

onelovingsister: Ahhh....now that's easy. When I'm not writing, I am working or sleeping or eating or cooking or working out. :) Work consists of studying for school, doing math research, or lifeguarding at my school's pool. I usually do not get enough sleep. I generally eat too much. I love to cook and bake, but only for other people. I do not like to make food for myself. I love to turbo kick (you should try it!) and actually recently got certified as an intstructor. I also love swimming. Sunshine and water make me happy. :) However, my number one favorite thing to do when not writing is going to the beach with my friends and family. I love to hang out with the people I love and the beach just can't be beat. :D

B&B: Anything you'd like to add, or any questions you would like to be asked?

onelovingsister: I would like to add that you are one of the reasons I first considered blogging as my "outlet" and that I really enjoy reading your non-gaming related blog posts. :) Oh! And readers should never hesitate to comment! Even when my posts seem pretty personal or sensitive or whatever. Comments are fun. 

B&B: Well, I've run out of questions. Pleasure interviewing you, and may your blog receive many hits!

onelovingsister: haha. thanks! :D

We are Love

We are all love of family,

We are love of all the family

We are love.

We are love.

We are love.

Everyone is love

Everyone in this country is love.

But

God,

God is in this country,

So God is love,

We are loving we are good we are nice.....

God created everything,

God created everything for us to play in.

That's love.

Everyone is love

All the people are love

Except

the trees are love

Family of trees

The gravel is love

Family of gravel

The grass

All the grass

Is love.

Family of grass.

I love you

We are

Family of love.

               -My three year old brother

...

It seems that fear has won the fight

As I lay awake each night

Tired heart too full to weep

Mind too troubled to let me sleep

I cannot see past today

And the pain that paints it grey

But if I trust Your words are true

Then I know You'll see me through

So each day I'll just keep moving forward

Keep my eyes focused upward

Face turned toward the light

For You have made my future bright

Belief

"Love...believes all things..."

Without exception
Without qualification
Without hesitation

May God grant me the grace to love as He does.

Painfully Obvious

I used to always say that pain was irrelevant.

I thought I could always do what needed to be done no matter how much it hurt.

Now, for the first time in my life, I am tempted to quit simply because this hurts so bad.

I never imagined that anything could be so torturous for so very long.

I guess I was just naive, young and foolish some would say, but I thought time itself would numb my heart.

It has become painfully obvious that either time has failed me or I am failing miserably at waiting for enough to pass me by.

I can hardly bare it anymore.

I am drowning in this swamp of  sorrow and doubt, pulled under by the weight of my own despair.

I try to shrug it off, to stand strong, to make it through, but I just can't seem to gather the strength.

My trust in you is shaken and I have neither the heart to believe you nor the heart to reject you.
I can only pray that God will give me the heart to love you, unrequited, for as long as need be.

That He will give me the faith to trust that this time your words are as real as the pain I carry with me each day.

His Words

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, 
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."  -Proverbs 31:30

"Do not let your adornment be merely outward—
arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 
rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, 
with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, 
which is very precious in the sight of God."   -1 Peter 3:3-5

In the Eye of the Beholder

Beauty is

Defined by you
Sought by me

An elusive prize

A shifting mirage of truth and lies

Is Beauty

The number of inches around my waist?
The number of boys who's lips I taste?

How I fix my hair?
What clothes I choose to wear?

Some nights I lie awake and wonder
What life would be like if I were

As lovely as the princess in a fairy tale
If I saw the number I wanted on the scale

Would you still have said goodbye?
Was your story just a lie?

Some days I just want to be beautiful.

Something Stupid

‎"If it's just something stupid ask for help because someone can help you. 
It's when you've tried everything and nothing works and you don't know 
what to do that's when you don't ask because no one can help you anyway."     
-my mentor. 


Which begs the question, what if you've tried everything, nothing works, you don't know what to do, AND it's something stupid?

Face of Love

Restless Fingers, Anxious Brain

Missing you.

You know the day you first hugged me was also the day you first told me you loved me?  
We got things so backwards.  <3  I miss you.

Today's Happy Happenstance

I was sitting on the steps outside of Cherry on Top eating my froyo in the warmth of the setting sun just minding my own business and watching the people pass me by as I thought over life.  Today has given me some trouble and I wanted to be alone for a while and get some sugar in my blood.  As I was getting ready to leave my warm step a family passed by me with their freshly acquired cups of sweetness.  I thought nothing of it and went to throw away my empty cup and spoon.  Walking back down Green St. I kept my head down focused on ignoring a young guy who had been checking me out while having a smoke with his buddy.  Just as I passed by them I heard someone calling me and I immediately felt a little panicked, but when I looked up I breathed a sigh of relief.  It was the same family I had seen leaving Cherry on Top a few minutes before.  The following conversation made my day.

man - "Hey!  So how old are you?"

me to the man- *are-you-kidding-me-right-now-look*

man- "I think you're 17, but my wife thinks your 25."

me to the man's wife- *are-you-kidding-me-right-now-look*

wife- "No! It's just that...well.."

me- "Oh!  I'm 19."

man to his wife- "See!"  

man to me- "What school do you go to?"

me- "I'm not from around here.  I go to the University of Hawaii-Hilo.  I'm just here for the summer doing a research project at Caltech."

man- "I knew you were smart!  So you go to Caltech?"

me- "No.  I'm from Hawaii, but I'm doing a project in theoretical physics at Caltech this summer."

man- "See!  I told my wife you were smart.  When I saw you I just I knew you were smart!  I wanted to make sure I wasn't losing my judgement.  Good luck with everything!"

me- *wondering-how-anyone-looks-smart-eating-froyo-on-a-street-corner*  "Thank you!"


Perhaps it was just the way he said it, "I knew you were smart!"  He was just so certain and emphatic about it even though all he had seen me do was eat froyo on a step.  It really made me smile.

I Dislike:

Those awkward times when you love someone too much to shut up even though you both wish you would.

Reminiscing

Innocent

Naive

Alone

Afraid

You saw me that day

But you didn't know what to say

Young 

Laughing

Happy 

Unaware

I had not the slightest idea

I had caught your heart in my snare

Classmates

Lab Partners

Study Buddies

Friends

Each week that passed the closer we grew

Still you never said what you knew to be true

Silly

Sleepless

Giggles

Mean

I never guessed that in lab you were always such a tease

Just to cover your blush when my thigh brushed your knees

Butterflies

Soft sighs

Late night talks

Random walks

I finally began to see

What you really meant to me

Flowers for my hair

Longing stares

Holding me close

Not letting go

Your eyelashes brush my cheek

I can't bear the thought you'll be gone in a week

Distance

Patience

Waiting

Weeping

Far apart now I remember how you rarely said

The thoughts running through your head

Fear

Jealousy 

Losing you

Fighting me

Just 'cause I don't hear it anymore

Doesn't make your love for me any less sure

Smile

Work

Hope

Love

One day we'll be together again

And nothing else will matter then

Shattered

When I say shattered, I mean it.  

Whether I am talking phones or hearts.

Suffering, Submission, Perfection, Release

Inner veil torn

Ripped completely in two

Son’s suffering grants intimacy

For God’s chosen few

Suffering, submission,

Perfection, release

                                   

Pray without ceasing

Humbled down on weak knees

Fumbling, Groping,

Wanting to please

Voice firm and clear

Releasing of fear

Peace offered, Peace taken

Direction is clear

Hands gently open

Seeking  just  One

Heart soft and listening

Safe with the Son

Suffering, submission,

Perfection, release

Written for me by my mom in response to my poem, Torn.

Torn

Put you in my box of memories

High up on the shelf

Put you with the dusty volumes

Of my long forgotten past

Put you out of my mind

With all your love and hope and hurt

Put you out of my heart

Where you always came in first

 Is that what you want?

To join the ghosts that haunt my past?

Just one more friendship that didn’t last?

Around my neck I wear the key

The only one that seals the box

I filled with all I thought would be

But each time I go to fasten the lock

My heart shrinks back

For once it’s closed

There’s no returning

And so I stand here

Torn in two

Between the love I feel for you

And what you last asked me to do