Moving On....

This year is about moving forward without leaving love behind.  However, I think it is time for me to leave this blog behind.  We've had good times together and my writing here has often been very therapeutic for me, but I like pretty new things and I am currently fascinated by tumblr and all the lovely blogs I've found there.  I decided to give it a try.  I will be migrating certain portions of my poems and posts so be prepared for a little bit of repetition, but I hope all (three? haha) of you will enjoy the change of scenery.

~onelovingsister

Find me at: onelovingsister.tumblr.com

A New Year

There were some difficult days in 2010, but they were always brightened by the blissful happiness of a sweet smile and passionate love.  In 2011, I was not so fortunate and the crushing blow I received in June was followed only by the oppressive weight of loneliness.  Days and weeks and months have passed since then and I am tired.  Tired of this heaviness in my heart and the burden of hurt and anger that I carry constantly with me in a strenuous effort not to lay it at the feet of the man who handed it to me.  A burden which I too often swing, unwittingly, into those I love, spilling out stinging drops of pain on to my family who stand by as innocent onlookers.  Yet I cannot seem to let go of the hurt without also letting go of him who caused it.  So I soldier onward, but it's a heavy burden to carry into this new year and I am already weary.  It is my fervent prayer, a New Year's "resolution" of sorts, that in 2012 I find a way to lay my hurt to rest without losing the love which burns so brightly for the instigator of this very turmoil.  That in this coming year I muster up both the humility and faith to let God lift all this pain from my weak shoulders so that I can be filled with the peace of His love and at last gain the strength I so desperately need to move forward.  Not so much in an effort to move away from or to forget what has been but rather to become an active and ambitious participant in that which God has yet to bring to pass.


'"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."'  -Jeremiah 29:11

His Words

"The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; 
He will rejoice over you with gladness, 
He will quiet you with His love, 
He will rejoice over you with singing."
                                                                                          -Zephaniah 3:17

8/12/2011

I have poured out all my love

Spilled it out all around
Without reserve
Receiving nothing in return
Until my heart is empty

My heart is empty
I have nothing left to give
Nothing left within
Except the pain
Of my heartache

I need You now
More than ever before
So I come
Broken heart in my hands
Begging You to fill me up

Fill me up with Your never ending love
So that I never run out
Of love to share
Because I can't give away
What isn't there

...

You said it'd be okay
Just give it another day
A few more weeks more to wait
Till the pain would go away

You said to move along
That I was plenty strong
My heart would sing a new song
And I would be okay

So I said okay
I turned my back and walked away
I tried to carry on
But the hurt is here to stay

It seems you need
To have me here
So I will keep on keeping on
Even without you near.

Break Me Down

I stand and stare at the window
Wishing to see what lies beyond the glass
But instead I am confronted by the reflection of my own terrified face

Break me down
If that is what it takes
For me to see your face
The face on the other side

If it is my pride
That stands between us
And only lets my eyes see me,
Then, I beg you, bring me to my knees
Make me understand the frailty of my plans.

If it is my heart
That blocks my view of you
With its own selfish desires,
Then tear my heart asunder, withstanding all my tears,
Let me see the folly of my silly human fears.

When at last I am stripped
Of all my foolish pride
And my heart is wrung dry
Of all my hopes and loves

I will stand here, empty-handed and brokenhearted,

Yet filled with peace and grace

At last face to face.

Running out of Love

       People sometimes speak of "falling out of love", but it's always been a concept that eluded my grasp.  However, there is another issue involving "out of love" that I do sometimes worry about.  On occasion, I feel that, if I'm not careful, one day I'll run out of love.  I'll just wake up and be so tired and so sad and so completely empty inside that I won't have any more love to keep on giving away, not to my friends or family or anybody at all.  
       You see, there are some people that I have a hard time loving because, to be completely honest, I just don't like them very much, but it's not this kind of love that I'm worried will dry me up.  The love that I really struggle with is loving someone who is hard to love.  It may seem like a subtle difference, the difference between having a hard time loving someone and loving someone who is hard to love, and perhaps it is, yet it's an important distinction nonetheless.  The former is annoying, certainly, but the latter is just difficult, so very difficult.
       All I can do is just keep on and keep on and keep on.  I try to stay strong and I know I need to let myself be sustained and filled by Christ's love, but sometimes I just want to hear that one person say, "I love you, too."  I want to hear those words so badly that it seems if I can't, if I don't, I'll just shrivel up and die inside.  
       Today, I had a conversation with one of my mentors that made me think that perhaps the shriveling up and dying part of my story is a lot farther into the future than it sometimes feels.  My mentor said something that touched me quite deeply and her sweet spirit gave her words a lasting impact.


"I'll always love you. Even if you mess up, I will still love you and adore you."


       And, just like that, I realized that the idea of running out of love is as absurd as the idea of falling out of love.  It can't happen, because real love isn't like that.  "Love suffers long and is kind...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 
       So, my dearest person in the whole world, I will always love you.......with a love that never runs out.......even if you mess up.  I will only ever love you more.